A few months back, I had penned this down as a form of self-reflection and to perhaps to simply clear my head.
Something has ended for me; a clear closure to what it is has been decided upon and I think it is my ego that is still holding me back from accepting what it is. I still can’t exactly comprehend how flighty emotions can be, and how is it that tenderness for one can be simply replaced on another just like that. Does this swift change indicate the shallow depth of sincerity shown previously? Or is it just that others are able to quickly get back up on their feet after a fall? After all, time waits for no man or woman and we are living not knowing when we will stop having the capacity to do so.
Yet, it still puzzles me.
In brief, I had my doubts and they grew to become an irrational act which has caused what is known in Buddhist philosophy as ‘suffering’. I think I had seen this coming and I think it might be a self-fulfilling prophecy because I was continually testing waters, sliding in accusations to test the temperature. Lukewarm or cold? Is there a semblance of sincerity and authenticity or otherwise? I added mental barriers not dissimilar to a 100-meter hurdles race. If this hurdle at the 20m can be overcome then there is hope, but let’s just wait til the one at the 50m. I think I was perhaps preempting an “A ha! I knew this was coming” moment. Yet, how is that others are able to dust away the dirt, stand back up and resolutely step away from the hurdle that they know is no longer theirs to cross, quit the race then recoup their energy for a new one? Perhaps I had already placed and perhaps proved too large an obstacle.
In hindsight, I think when I saw it in a negative light it had already secretly bolstered myself for the fall. Unknowingly or sub-consciously knowing, I was translating my budding doubts into small actions that were building up like a pent-up volcano just waiting to erupt – which it did because I was frustrated at how long it had taken to reach a point of clarity.
I also probably thought that by being sure of this hazy future, I was in control. At least I knew it was going to be bad weather ahead, so here I have my umbrella because I just know that it is going to rain. Of course there were other aspects where I was sure that I wasn’t imagining things and there were concrete evidences that fueled my doubts.
Nevertheless, I appreciate honesty and compassion in the way the closure was established. As cliche as this may sound, I think everything happens for a reason and it is better to believe that better things are on its way. Maybe if it didn’t happen, I wouldn’t have realized how I have this less-than-rosy outlook on things. I still don’t understand why I can’t just trust the process and live in the moment, but at least I know what I don’t know now.
Then to figure out why I can’t trust the present…